Still Thinking –Self Love

When I was in grade seven at the Upper Mt Gravatt primary school I ran for the position of Class Captain. If I remember correctly there were at least two others in the class who were competing for the top job. I recall a conversation I had with our teacher just before the election.  Somehow we got to talking about who I would vote for, “I’m voting for Marjorie Fleming, “I said.  “So why Christopher,” said the teacher, “would anyone want to vote for you, if you are not willing to vote for yourself?”  It was an early lesson in the dangers of false humility and the courage to value and trust one’s self.

I think we in the Christian tradition have had an uneasy relationship with the notion of self-love or even self-esteem.  I recall someone saying that they were taught in Sunday School that you could remember what the word JOY meant by memorizing; Jesus first, Others second and You last.  While the intent was to develop respect for God and humility towards others, it can create in many people a devaluing of themselves and the inability to really embrace the gift of their life which is precious and unique.

Jesus is asked by a religious lawyer, reported in Matthew 22:36-39, “Teacher which commandment in the law is the greatest?”  His answer moved them away from the legalism of the Ten Commandments and the religious and ceremonial laws, to the heart of faith and life.  He replied, “You shall love the Lord your God will all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the greatest and first commandment.  And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbour as yourself.”  Much has been made of this passage and what it says about loving one’s self.  It’s clear from the context that it is not about egoism, arrogance or self-aggrandizement.  In fact, it is quite the opposite. The passage reminds us that the measure of how we treat our neighbour is drawn for the way we see and treat ourselves.

It is more about having a right perspective on my life and using that as the base from which I relate to others.  The love of self in this passage and generally throughout the ministry of Jesus is not about self-pandering or indulgence, it is as we often have heard, a commitment to treasure and value the other person, the presence of God and the gift of life within us.  You don’t need to be a psychologist to see that when you devalue your own life, you treat with less value the lives of those around you. I have found the writings of Donald Winnicot the paediatrician and psychoanalyst who developed the Object Relation Theory helpful is this context.  He wrote:

Only the true self can be creative and only the true self can feel real….the true self is a sense of being alive and real in one's mind and body, having feelings that are spontaneous and unforced. This experience of aliveness is what allows people to be genuinely close to others, and to be creative.

It‘s why it is so important for each of us to be on a journey toward wholeness because it is out of our own lives, out of our true selves, that we act toward God and others. It is not selfish to nurture the gift of life God has given us it is in fact, the most important thing we do each day.

Christopher